


The marks that faded away

by moonfox281



Series: 2018 Prompt [1]
Category: Batman (Comics)
Genre: Alpha Jason, Alpha Slade, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Omega Dick, Prompt Fic, Tumblr Ask Box Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-03-01 00:25:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13283040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonfox281/pseuds/moonfox281
Summary: He had done more than he wanted to, had given away more than he allowed himself to. Using the anger and incidents as bait, digging excuses and masking needs to just hold onto him, onto Dick like he was the only pile he could lean and grip onto in this crazy and spinning world.But at the end, the nights always ended too fast, and what they had were just blurry moments and crippled memories. Like matches in the dark, there was heat and there were moments, and then there was nothing, all hidden and what was left was only mystery.





	The marks that faded away

 

He couldn’t seem to remember things anymore. One minute ago they were fighting, shouting at each other, stretching the air so tight it might have ripped. Jason had bared his teeth, growling at him like a hungry bear, snapping his jaw like he wanted to rip Dick’s throat out. Dick hadn’t backed down though, out of all the omega things he was, being submissive had never been one of them. He had snapped his jaws back and growled, had threatened and added more to the tension.

That was one minute ago, now, his back was glued to the wall as Jason ravished his mouth, chests warm and pressed tight to each other. Dick felt his head run cold as Jason kept sucking and kissing, felt his oxygen running low, but felt like he might die if he let go, if he left Jason’s warmth for just a second.

 

This was their routine when the day ended and the night came in to conquer, their pattern of breaking each other, day by day and night by night. They met on patrol and pretended it had been coincidental, they fought together and got caught up in the moment, then they turned to fight each other and let the anger take the best of them. Jason would push him, and he would push back, Jason would shout at him and he wouldn’t be able to hold back. And then time spun and Dick would be on Jason’s lap, bouncing and panting while the alpha bit on everywhere but his neck, desperate to mark and claim and defenseless to the animal inside him.

It was a stupid circle that they followed like flies after a fire. Each time they ran, Dick could perfectly imagine how the night would end, and how the morning would come. Sometimes they would crash in one of Jason’s houses in the area, if battle wounds were involved, or they simply were just too damn tired and eager to wait. But most of the time, they would make a beeline to Dick’s place, because Dick liked it that way, liked that at least he had something in control, something to know when he was in his place, his own territory, being cornered by the alpha’s pheromones. They were both control freaks, and Jason liked to toy himself with the obsession of keeping his status low, like he didn’t crawl out of his den every night to come to Dick like it was nature calling.

Jason bit on his shoulder when he came, making Dick moan and shiver like he was dying. He could feel Jason shaking too, holding tight to his whole body, wrapping his dominating scent all around him like a robe to bind him tight, to never let him go. Only in moments like this, Dick could see him as desperate, teal blue eyes pinned on him for seconds, minutes even, looking vulnerable and so damn open. He lapped at the bleeding wound, tongue licking and lips kissing like a form of saying “I’m sorry”. Dick could let himself be creative though, because Jason never apologized, and Dick would only wake up alone every single morning after their night sessions, body aching and a good part of him bleeding, threatening to scar the skin but never once had Dick let it happen. And every time they met again, Jason saw it as a mission to put another bite, another bruise or hickey on his skin that would last _weeks,_ like a replacement for the faded ones.

 

This was insane, he told himself every time he looked in the mirror, counting the marks Jason had left on him.

But tomorrow came, and he let the circle begin again.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

This was what he knew, pushing and crawling and hurting everything. Dick drew him a pattern and all he had to do was follow. It eased his mind in some ways, distracting his anger and replacing it with blind lust. When all his hands could touch was soft skin and a heated body, his wolf stopped growling and the rage stopped bleeding.

This wasn’t healthy, they all knew. Like hell if anything in their lives was ever healthy, they were all fucked up people, just some were better at hiding it.

 

He saw him there, one night. Sitting on the edge of the building, electric blue on his tight bodysuit shining a mystic light that haunted Jason’s dreams. Like the dark side of the moon, he looked lonely like this, watching Gotham’s skyline so silently, like the world had cut him off, even when it never could.

Jason dropped down behind him, boots landing light and soundless but nothing could be kept away from Nightwing’s senses. When Dick turned back, a smile was there like it had never left his face, so ready and professional it angered Jason somehow.

They fought because they always found a reason to. Jason fought because this was the only way he knew how to get to the end of the night, when Dick was bound to him and Jason could finally touch him. Not tonight though, tonight when he had the omega cornered and back flat to the brick wall, Dick pushed him away. His hand firm on his chest, stopping Jason from kissing him, and his smile was ironclad, unmovable.

It was that time of the month again. That time when omegas went into heat and craved for their partners.

Dick and he could fuck and fool around like the omega and alpha they were born as, every day and every night. But at special times like this, they leaned in separate ways, couldn’t be the same because this was only meant for lovers and mates.    

 That wasn’t what they were.

Jason had to remind himself every time Dick ended the night with only a light peck on his check, and ran away to whoever the chosen one was this time. It was different each time, and it was never Jason.

 

This was personal, he told himself.

They weren’t lovers, he reminded himself.

He didn’t love Dick, he repeated to himself.

 

Lies. All lies, but at least they kept him alive and sane while watching Dick run away to another man.  

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Dick saw him one day at the grocery store, looking so casual and different than when he was out for a shot. He looked handsome like this, even when the ghost of anger was still there on his face, selling out the warning that he wasn’t someone to mess with, but still, the lines were there, the cuts were clean and overall, there was no denying that he was a lady killer.

He spotted Dick too, but like the fool he was, his eyes only stopped for a mere second, then in the next, they were back to the shelf, like Dick was nobody, like they were just strangers out onthe street and Dick wasn’t even as worthy of his attention as Pop-Tarts.

He moved on then, leaving like he had seen nothing. And Dick just stood there, fighting back the lump that was growing in his throat.

 

It was blindness that covered his vision when he stormed out of the store, driving so mad and out of the mind he was sure something in his beat-up car must have broken. He held back tears as fingers gripped tight on wheel, trying to fight them back as memories rushed back.

They were nothing. Nothing at all. Just people that blew the heat when the beating was too much, just broken people that patched themselves up by breaking some more. Dick was unstable and not trustworthy, because at the end of the day the world always came first, with Bruce hot in second place. There was no place for anyone else, and Jason surely didn’t want to be put anywhere with the Dick tag on it. And the alpha still held a grudge against the family, and them coming together just happened to be the result of a wrong formula: Jason needed something to blow, and Dick just needed to stop feeling alone.

Still the reality hit hard and hurt, that they were nothing but people that shared the benefit, that when tomorrow came yesterday would be let go.

When Dick came back to the place, he didn’t care if there were eggs in the bags, just dropped the whole damn thing down and jumped right into Slade’s arms.

“What’s wrong?” The man asked, but Dick just didn’t have the mind to care. He needed the pain to stop, need someone to give so he could stop giving, even when he had nothing.

“Just kiss me.”

Slade never backed down an invitation like that, he ravished his mouth with the power an alpha like him possessed, making Dick’s knees weak and his whole body turn powerless.

Unlike Jason, Slade was an enemy on most days, but in times like this, he was all Dick could wish for.

“That’s right, little bird. Let me wash the pain away.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

He met him again at the corner of the street; this time Dick didn’t notice him, he was too busy smiling and chatting with some nobody girl that was clearly charmed from head to toe by him. His cheeks were flushed and overall he looked different, like the clothes were a size too big and his hand was probably half burnt by the too hot coffee cup.

Jason could still smell him, even from miles away, freshly out of heat and reeking of another alpha’s whiff.

 

He followed him unconsciously, not knowing why because he had wanted to get away, as far as possible so his Dick’s mixed scent could no longer linger in the air of his present. Dick turned and all he did was go after. It was a stupid move, the alley cut off the sight and he was smarter than this, but, after all, everything about the man put his mind on a drug, and Dick was Dick and the Golden Boy never ran out of his tricks.

Dick had him by the collar, pressing hard to the mossy wall. His jacket would cry for this for sure, but damn if it was the first thing he was worried about now.

“Out of all people to follow me, I expected you the least.” Dick spoke, voice dropped low as he released Jason, smaller or not, his grip was never an easy bind to get out of, even for the Bat ones.

His voice pinned a part of Jason down, the first words lingering, crawling on his chest and begging him to wonder if he was just another stupid man waiting in the line, trying to get a nickel of this man.

“Better hobby, don’t you think?” Jason smirked to fake the break starting in his heart. “Better than killing 20 mob bosses, huh?”

Dick scowled, a snarl was ready at the back of his throat. Jason probably shouldn’t have let out a huff, but he did anyway, the omega looking like this humored him somehow.

“Relax, I still keep it at bay. No more than 10 per night.” It actually was more than that sometimes, but Dick didn’t need to know that.  

Dick looked at him then shifted, eyes going around everywhere but his face, like he found difficulty facing Jason in broad daylight, out of the mask or out of the heat. He looked confused, just like those days when he first handled the fact that Jason had come back from the dead only to run around raining bullets down the streets. He smelled nervous too, besides from that addictive scent of him, and the lingering scent of another man.

Everything about him now angered Jason.

 

“Seems like your heat ended well.” He smirked to cover the bleeding anger.

Dick scratched and covered his neck like it was instinct, looking away and down to his feet, a light blush blooming on his face even when every harsh line was still there, making Jason’s blood run low.

_Why? Why was he acting like this? What did this mean? Who the fuck was it!_

“It lasted longer this time though, I didn’t expect that.” Dick shrugged, eyes looking back at Jason like he was waiting for something.

It was uncommon knowledge that the longer the heat was, the more the omega had suppressed it, or the closer they got to their destined mate.

Jason didn’t want to think about that, didn’t want to think about Dick belonging to some nobody out there, and was getting closer to meeting them.   

 

No, he just want to start their circle again, the circle that let him touch the Golden Boy in forbidden ways, the circle that let him fantasize a scene in some day, one with less screaming and shouting, and more kissing and loving, the same stupid circle that hurt and ached and burned a part of him, that always ended with him crawling back to his safe house, licking the open wounds that Dick had torn without knowing, kicking and screaming his lungs out so the next day he could get closer to sanity, and let the circle begin again.

 

He kissed Dick before realizing what the fuck he was doing, desperate to cover the foreign scent on familiar skin, desperate to find a way to mark him again even when they both knew it wouldn’t last through days. He needed this, and he needed more.

“Your ass better be ready for me tonight.”

 

He smirked to hide his nervousness, begging himself that Dick wouldn’t find out, spitting thorny words out to cover up the open wounds. And just like that, they fell back into the twisted pattern.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Sometimes Dick would catch him leaving, or getting ready to stay far away. He would pretend to stay asleep, keeping his eyes shut and evening out his breathing.

God knew Jason always panicked when it came to tender moments like this, when they were both awake and stark naked, just staring at each other, mind clear from the lust and out of fuel from the heat. They didn’t practice that, weren’t ready for something like that, or at least Jason wasn’t. That was probably the only reason Dick let his heart drum in his thorny chest, kept his eyes closed so they wouldn’t have to see the empty bed as the door slammed closed and again he was left behind like a cheap pack of used meat.  

 

He had a nightmare last night, Jason, of course. Dick didn’t usually get haunted in his dreams when there was someone else in the room. The alpha probably didn’t know about this, he had clung and grabbed onto Dick so tightly the memory of it alone made his hands crawl up to rub on the purple bruised wrists.

Jason wasn’t like this all the time. He was better, but some days it was worse. His nerves got fragile after… everything, the incident, Joker, Bruce, any now for whatever it was. It was always too much, and Dick fought himself for being this selfish, for wanting just a part of Jason to give him something.

There was barely anything left of him to give away, and Dick, he was an asshole for begging for it. They weren’t supposed to be like this. He was older, he was the leader, he was supposed to lead and fix it. They were all messed up people, but Jason was different, Jason was… still that Jay he’d known when first in the red, green, and yellow. He was still that boy, only bigger, broader, a lot stronger, and a lot more damaged.

If he had grown up different it would have been a lot easier, but no, every night when Dick looked at those eyes he remember the kid who once thought ignoring people he admired was the best way to get their attention, and the pain and anger that blended in to paint who he was today. They shocked him, those crystal eyes, a clear reminder of how Dick had failed him. And every touch they made, every contact their skin created, Dick was left wonder what the hell was he doing, how could this be fixing, and how could this do anything for Jason.

 

Dick watched himself in the mirror as the concealer blended the bruises away, making them look just like skin and nothing else. How long had this become a routine of him, doing this? How long since he always had makeup set next to the first aid kit under the sink like this? And how long since the girl at the drugstore realized he wasn’t just a good boyfriend picking shit up for his girlfriend anymore? 

The boy he once knew had grown up, and along with that his strength and anger had sized up too, as his temper and patience ran thinner and thinner every single day. He was no longer all bark anymore, now his teeth were sharp and didn’t hesitate to snap. He bit everywhere and Dick had his body to prove it, his shoulder was bleeding and it looked like Jason had been determined to take a chunk out of it. Wounds like this wouldn’t heal, they would scar. And for a moment, Dick almost let himself believe this was Jason’s way of treating him special, of being possessive like every alpha did to their precious.

 

Tomorrow he’d go to Leslie asking for another dose of suppressant and another of something for the bites and bruises. Because all he had had ran out, and their routine just kept going.

 

 

* * *

 

 

For some reason Dick must have expected their dirty activities would affect Jason and sway his decision on certain categories. And for some reason, Jason had expected him to.

As Dick stood there, giving commands and playing the low cards, pointing his hand and telling them what to do, Jason had thought about that. And like survival instinct, he spat and denied, saying shit to cover himself up, to ignore and push back that swelling part of him that was desperate to listen to Dick. He let himself have a moment of pride, which lasted for a mere second before Dick stared him down despite being shorter and smaller, features cold and determined like they belonged to a total different person.

 

This was what he hated about Dick, all the shades of him, every inch of that skin, they were minded and shaped to blend and disguise, to fake and pretend. Moments like this showed how good the omega was at this, at faking and acting and showing how cruel every bit of his sugary sweet smile could be. Moments like this, when Bruce was commanding and Dick was listening, when the old Bat was being a shit and Dick was passing it on like blood ran in the right genes, frightened Jason.

You did that and you did this, he said. So damn precise and in control, face not for once flinching or moving, eyes well hidden under that mask, blinding away every bit of that emotional sea in blue. It made him wonder, if what they had or almost had, was ever even real. All his whimpers and whispers, all his words and all his moans when Jason was in him, when they kissed and bit each other, were they ever real at all?

Because this cold and demanding one standing in front of him right now seemed too alien to be real, to be the one with that very same face in their heated moments.

 

It was never easy for an alpha to take commands, and commands from an omega just downright sounded like an offensive joke. But Dick had it good, making everyone surrender was his job, and he was damn talented at it. When he looked at Jason with those determined eyes and ironclad sight, the fear that maybe all the loops they had pulled each other in were just for this, all for the mission and for the end decisions, sparked up in Jason’s stomach, making him ill and angry at the same time.

And now thinking about, Jason started asking himself if all the liquid fire that he spat and spilled when with Dick, triggering them and tugging them like two sides of a dirty rag between angry dogs’ mouths, was fueled by Dick himself.

 

When they came home, Dick’s home, like a side of a coin, like Two-face himself, Dick reshaped and changed, smiled and kissed him like everything at the Cave had never happened, like 5 minutes ago they didn’t swear and fight and Dick didn’t throw him aside for Bruce like a fucking sacrificial pawn.

Which Dick was real, Jason couldn’t know anymore, the more time passed, the less he learned about this man, and the more he realized that, the more it burned him alive. All he knew down to only the fact that Dick didn’t act in front of Bruce, that that moment when they stood together like they were born to be, Bruce had always had that part of Dick that no one else could. And Dick, Dick would always push everything aside, even himself to present for the older man.

It was instinct to feel possessive, it was instinct to feel triggered when losing, it wasn’t instinct to feel hurt and broken and desperate because Dick wasn’t his omega, wasn’t his anything and maybe wasn’t even ‘his’ at all. And all the bites and marks he had left in the night would fade when morning came like the ashes and grey smoke blended into the air after the bursting fire.

 

He had done more than he wanted to, had given away more than he allowed himself to. Using the anger and incidents as bait, digging excuses and masking needs to just hold onto him, onto Dick like he was the only pile he could lean and grip onto in this crazy and spinning world.

But at the end, the nights always ended too fast, and what they had were just blurry moments and crippled memories. Like matches in the dark, there was heat and there were moments, and then there was nothing, all hidden and what was left was only mystery.

So, before they ran out of matches, before he ran out of excuses, Jason let himself find peace in this violence.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

This wasn’t the first time he had enjoyed punching Bruce, and surely wouldn’t be the last. Bruce let it be though, even when the force was too much it knocked the cowl off of his head.

“Dick…”

“NO!” He screamed, throwing another chair and ruining another thing in this suffocating place. The Manor was home on most days, but most nights Dick did his best to avoid the place.

“This is for them, for us.”

“No, this is for you! It has always been for just you, you selfish bastard!” Because if this was for him and the others, Bruce wouldn’t have asked him to go under again. Last time Dick did it, Jason punched him, Tim saw him with different eyes, and Damian didn’t recognize him.

If he went out, he’d gain something, information, connections, all Bruce needed, blending into the new world, while losing the present one. If he left, what about Jason? What about the so fragile thing they were having? So many things to lose to just clean up the mess that Bruce had left behind.

 

He did it anyways, after all the shouting and fighting, he still did it, because Bruce always did that to him. He had Dick, and he played low. It was no surprised when 5 days after Dick had left Gotham, Slade appeared at the doorstep of his hotel room, half the globe away from where he should be.

“Someone's gotta watch after you, little bird.”

Or he had just sensed the heat from him coming in.

Who knew anymore, Slade was always there and ready, more than happy to do the job, and too damn voluntary that Dick started to feel ashamed when using him like this. He had stopping asking the question, and Dick knew Slade did that all for him. 

 

Unlike most alphas, Slade took it slow, cherishing every moment they shared. It knocked Dick off the ground and left him guilty, because a man like him shouldn’t be like this. Someone who killed and made a living on it, shouldn’t be gentle to Dick, like he was special.

Unlike Jason, Slade looked at him every time like he knew it would end, and he was trying to do the best to enjoy every little second they had. With Slade, Dick could be honest, he didn’t have to hide and could let go and cry. Slade didn’t have problems, or maybe less than most people Dick knew, and he didn’t ask for Dick to be tough, didn’t need Dick to act, and he could always treat him gentle like Dick always craved.

That was what left Dick feeling wrong and guilty when the night ended, with his body ached with the good kind of pain, with Slade’s arms still curling tight around his waist, like he meant it.

Maybe he did, all the time, and it was just Dick who was too cowardly to admit it.

 

“What's so special about him?” He asked, one day, when Dick’s heat had gone and now they were just regular people eating a regular breakfast, after a not so regular mission.

Dick looked at him and smiled, smiled while the memories overtook him, washed him to the shore like waves at dawn. Slade stared back and knew he wouldn’t get an answer for it.  Dick always appreciated him when the man didn’t ask for more. It was that mutual respect between them, one that had swelled and warmed up since Slade founded out the little brat he had fought for years was just an omega.

 

When the mission ended, Slade took him all the way to the apartment, holding Dick’s bags and continuously mocking him about dirty laundry and a messy bed. Dick didn’t understand though; the alpha had never given a damn probably throughout the whole mission when they had had shared the same flat together.

He waved to Mrs. Thomson living next door when the old lady walked up the stair, and pushed himself right into his own place in an attempt to ignore Slade’s complains, but it seemed like all he did was amuse the man more than he had already done.

“Alright, this is it then.” Slade dropped the bags and stared at him. He wanted something. Dick knew he always wanted something.

“Thanks, for helping me.”

Slade gave him that one single eye that made Dick’s jaw feel slack, he looked at him like Dick was an idiot, and Dick felt like one too.

How many times had they done this? How many times till Slade ran out of patience with him? How many times, till Dick could sort himself out?

Dick could only smile as an answer, knowing this was the best he could give the alpha, knowing they could have something, could be something good and not hurtful, if Dick could just get himself together. The alpha wanted more and Dick knew it, he wanted more than just sex in heated moments, more than what the instinct had cursed them with, and Dick, he just wanted to burn.

That was why after a few hours, Jason and him tangled on the floor, crawling and snapping while holding tight like vices on each other, like Dick hadn’t gone away for months and Jason hadn’t smell what was left of Slade on his skin.

He felt his body throb while burning, felt his chest ache and break while listening to Jason leave the next morning. No guilt haunted him now, as bruises formed and the bleeding skin torn.

This was what Dick deserved, not the tender side Slade was ready to offer him, not the silent nights Jason had almost given him.

No, the pain was addictive, and Dick needed it to feel alive.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

On some unlucky nights, he would jerk up sooner than usual, and see Dick standing by the window, stark naked like the cold didn’t hurt, eyes looking away and arms wrapped around himself. Times like this reminded him Dick Grayson wasn’t always perfect, that that smile he offered the world was just the façade of the chaos he buried beneath.

Dick was a performer, he was built and formed to please and to lie, to the point Jason couldn’t make up his mind when it was a lie or the ugly truth. It scared Jason knowing those damn eyes that fucked him over could lie like they were meant to. And the only time Dick seemed honest enough to reach Jason's cheap expectations was when he turned away and hid himself from the world.

 

He did that, some nights, standing there, looking out and losing himself to the stormy thoughts in his pretty little head. He would turn away from the bed, showing Jason his marked up back because he always thought he was asleep when he did that. He trusted his skills too much to realize Jason knew it each time Dick slid out of his arms.

It was better this way, even when he had to play the part of desperate sneaky bastard. Moments like this were the only times he could watch Dick be honest to him, or to himself. He’d stand there for hours, looking at the sky and letting go of all the masks he wore, secure in himself that no one was watching now, as his true form was revealed, damaged and broken like rubble after the wreck of a tornado, hands coming up wrapping in his own like he was trying to keep them together, keep them there and not falling down more.

Each time Dick went away, he lost a part of himself. Out there on foreign land, he forced himself to become someone else, carved his skin and molted his shell to make a new one, a new one that was more suitable for the mission, that was more beneficial for Bruce. And each time, he came back losing a piece of who he was, and that new shell had blended in and become a part of him.

He would pick up strange habits while losing good ones, his tastes changed, sometimes he craved sweets and sometimes the sugar made him throw up, and like a mock to the universe his scent seemed to fluctuate from time to time too. Sometimes he came home smelling completely alien, like a completely different person, so damn strange it scared Jason.

Jason wondered, if one day he would wake up and realized the person in his arms was a complete stranger, wearing the skin of someone he used to know. He wished for a night he wouldn’t have to go to sleep wondering if things were different, if Dick could show his true face to him, could cry for him to see because tears spoke words that the heart couldn’t say, could trust him enough when it was that time of the month, he could stop worrying about being strong for the both of them and burn with him when the sky fell down. Would Dick do that, he always wondered, before the world asked for what was so little left of him, before golden skin oxidized and his wings shed down to only skin and bones, before he broke apart and faded away.

 

This wasn’t instinct anymore, Jason knew it, wasn’t instinct when he traced his finger down smooth skin instead of biting it, arms curling and hugging instead of helping him do the fucking, teeth gazing and lips kissing instead of marking. Jason understood the danger of doing this, of showing affection instead of playing his part in this arrangement. But time passed and so did his patience, the fire inside his core had been off for a year or two, the anger was no longer there to fuel him, only being an excuse for them to continue. And Jason, there were days like today when he was just too damn tired of hiding, of not breaking when seeing Dick break, of not being afraid when Dick came back smelling like someone else.

Dick looked at him like he didn’t expect this, Jason being soft and gentle because in his mind, Jason was always that traditional typical alpha, stubborn and angry and rough like quarry stone. His eyes showed him his heart, naked and bruised, fragile while being too damn generous. Dick didn’t expect this, and neither did Jason, that one day they would stand in the kitchen while the dim sunlight of a late noon shone through the window, air thick and heavy as they breathed in each other’s existence, eyes staring into eyes as their feelings bled down the floor.

For a moment, they were drunk on each other, drunk on the fact that here they were, in broad daylight not having sex like they should and what had been arranged to happen, with a spark of something in between.

They had something, it was something. It was, until Jason’s heart stopped as Dick smiled, slow and bright like a child on Christmas night, closing himself off and hiding away after that gold clad façade, leaving Jason behind and alone, waiting for that missing person he had fallen for slowly then all suddenly like dying, like a homeless man in front of a high class building.

 Waiting, and just dreaming. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The first time Jason decided to stay, Dick had rolled off his bed full on alert when finding someone lying next to him. Jason’s form did nothing to calm his rising panic as Dick rushed to the bathroom, puking what was left of his empty stomach out. When his mind half blanked out he still wasn’t completely sure if this was a dream or not, but when he’d gathered himself enough to walk out, looking like a half dead man, Jason was nowhere to be seen.

He figured the alpha had panicked too. It wasn’t an everyday event for Jason to oversleep and stick behind this long. Normally, he would push off the bed and leave quickly like Dick was a disease, like Dick would affect him if he couldn’t get out of the surrounding area as fast as possible.

Cruel, would be how Dick describe Jason at most time. His words were vicious and his moves were fearless, a boy like him grew to be a rebellious man, a man that reshaped the world with his own hands to what he thought and believed. Bruce had recognized that power when he first took him in, and late after Jason had been reborn down in the pit of Lazarus. But cruelty would be the last reason for this ‘Jason staying after a night’, because they both weren’t trained for this, hadn’t prepared for this and crap, they had even set rules for this.

 

Dick called a day off at the station and spent all morning flipping through everything in his apartment, searching for bugs or cameras. It was a huge waste of time as all he could find at the end of the day was one of Jason’s missing socks down under the bed. Dick didn’t know what he was expecting but the sock was definitely not it.

His search stopped short though because Jason started staying a lot more frequently. Frequently enough that Dick had formed a habit of curling in the side of the bed facing out instead of in like he usually did while sleeping, and morning came with Dick finding himself half dozing off near the stove with a pan full of bacons and scrambled eggs, the familiar Captain Crunch sitting abandoned not so far away.

Bacon and eggs are only for mornings when Alfred came by to visit, or for show when Bruce decided to check on his life just to annoy him. Dick didn’t know why he needed to pull them out like the required treatment for guests in the house when Jason was taking a shower. He just knew he didn’t have it coming when Jason walked behind him, pressed his wet and warm chest firm to his back and hands went up to cling on his waist underneath the good old SpongeBob apron.

For a second Dick’s mind froze, and so did his body, and in the next before the spatula hit the floor with a loud and clear clang, all he could feel was Jason’s big and rough hands rubbing tight circles on the skin of his hipbones. His blood ran cold when he caught a hint of something in Jason’s scent aside from his strong and musky alpha aurora, like a mix of exotic fruits from a tropical land, there was sourness and there was bitterness, a whiff of something spicy like smoky anger or liquid apprehension, and just a hint of sweetness of what must be the leftover of his almost rut after a wild night. 

He didn’t know how long they had stood like that, had lost track of time as the even rise and fall of the alpha’s chest and his hot breaths kept hitting his skin like electric lightning hitting down the moist ground on a stormy night. It took him way longer than expected to gain back his feet, shame and fear for a minute hugged on him tight then let go. Dick did his best to get a firm hold on Jason’s forearm, twisting his back to face him instead of showing his naked neck like a ten-dollar prostitute. He swore it was different before Jason’s face twitched and frowned, tension bleeding out in the air when Dick smiled and tried to ask what was wrong.

Jason pushed away and just like that, Dick was left alone as the front door slammed open then closed. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

He should have asked it sooner. He knew Dick’s heat was coming, knew it like the back of his hand that the schedule of it drew out in his mind easily like a map to the highest gargoyle in town. He had smelled its evidence last week when they had tugged close together on a same bed, had heard his wolf howl and whimper as it caught the signs.

It was stupid, expecting Dick to at least give him a hint of something before the heat actually came because he had stayed. Jason had stayed and done stuff he only dreamed he would do in broad daylight to Dick, stuff like touching without hurting, kissing without fucking, and just not screaming at each other. They had had it good for a few days, weeks maybe, and he had kinda expected… something, just something.

But when Dick pushed him off and kissed his cheek, all he could do was plant his feet deep to the ground as the scent still lingered in his air, breathed it in like a druggie at limit. Before he knew it, Dick was gone, gone, gone to some goddamn fucker out there.

Never in his life had a week felt that long. Days felt like months as he sat in Dick’s empty apartment, counting down the hours until the omega came back. Dick didn’t know this, and shouldn’t know this, that every time he went away, weeks and months without contact or interaction, this was how Jason deal with things, liquor in his hand and boots on Dick’s beat up table because he couldn’t give a fuck about his housekeeping anymore. Couldn’t even give any fuck to anything anymore as the one and only thing he had craved for for years was nowhere near his reach.

What they had in the beginning didn’t define what he was feeling. This, Jason waiting, drinking, wanting, was out of the plan, out of whatever they had agreed from the beginning. This was an error in the system they had created, a goddamn rat hole in the road that drew out their infinity coil.

Sex, and no more.

Jason had said it himself, had watched Dick’s face twitch and frown as the words pinned on Dick’s heart like hot nails on kinetic sand. Jason had started this, all of this, and now he had no one to blame for when the bottle rolled off and down to the ground, his hands tangled in hair, pulling and scratching just to feel, just to blur away the spiritual pain, even if for just a few seconds.

 

He met Deathstroke on a rainy night after patrol, he had come back to Dick’s place like usual, and found the old man there, tucking clothes into a bag, and suddenly, everything came together.

Slade looked at him, and then all was laid out for him to see through that one single eye, calmness, judgment, and pity. They stared at each other for a few good seconds before Slade ripped his sight away and turned the attention back to the bag in his hands, lightly huffing.

“Figured.”

What? Figured what? Did Dick talk about Jason? Were they close enough to even talk? Because it was never the same case for Jason.

“How’s he?” He swallowed and punched the words out, throat felt tight and suffocated.

“And he said you never cared. Where’s the aid kit?” Slade asked for it but had already gone looking around in the bathroom.

“What? What happened?”

“Relax, just some morphine for the nightmares.”

“Dick doesn’t have nightmares.” Not in Jason’s memory, nor Babs’s or Kory’s.

Slade huffed and looked at him with that eye that was so fucking scornful it was irritating Jason’s wolf.

“Everyone has nightmares. It’s just a matter of whether he trusts you enough or not to show them.”

Jason could only stare back, eyes wide and leaking insecurity like a goddamn coward. It was like Slade was the lone wolf that peed on his territory like he fucking owned it, and all Jason could do was watch.

“You know why he never has nightmares when there’s another person in the room?” Slade’s voice was low, threatening while making it look nothing like it. He eyed Jason down to drink in his expression. Whatever Jason was giving, it must be exactly what Slade had expected because the man looked so fucking pleased.

“Because he feels better when there’s human connection.”

“Wrong. That’s exactly the kind of thought that proves you’ll never know him well enough.” Like he had seen it coming, Slade laughed low and dangerous. “He’s never gonna show it to you, his vulnerable side, not because your presence makes him feel better.” Slade chuckled and eyes him down. “It’s because your presence demands him to hold it back and be stronger.”

 

Like a truck on full speed, the words hit Jason on full force, knocking what was left of his nerves off the cliff. He didn’t know what shocked him more, the fact that Dick never truly trusted him, even when he acted like he did, or that he trusted Slade more out of all people.

Slade stopped and looked at him, for a moment Jason could see the old alpha was choosing his next step. He was openly showing it, like a moral sign for Jason to read out himself, for him to prepare himself because what he was going to say next wasn’t going to be something pretty. The pity was back in his expression, now he was looking down at Jason, making his stomach drop.

“I asked him.” Slade looked straight at his eyes. “And he’s considering it.”

 

Jason stopped his breathing and dropped the gun he had instinctively pulled out when he first saw Slade in the place. For minutes he couldn’t hear anything but the loud ringing in his ears as his eyes missed the sight of Slade passing by, so casually with his eye looking down his nose at Jason like he was something defiled and unworthy.

 

“You had your chance, kid. Now you lost it.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

When Jason stormed in, Dick knew it was the alpha, what he didn’t know though, was that the first thing Jason did after bursting in like a drama queen was grab the back of his neck and push him face first down on the wooden counter, his face inches from the stove.

“Jason!” He shouted and grunted when the fingers on his neck tightened, threatening to choke. His other hand went down, catching both of Dick’s wrists and bound them together in an iron grip.

“So you’re thinking about it, huh? Are you fucking thinking about him now?” Jason shouted and roared, teeth gazing low and cold on the skin between Dick’s shoulder blades. “Did he mark you up? Did he even leave a single trace on your skin like I did?”

It took Dick longer to figure out what the heck Jason was even talking about, especially with the surface of the cold counter digging hard into his collarbones. He tried to squirm and fight the hold, but a low growl rumbled down so damn near his ear, hot breaths caught his skin and raised all the hair up.

“No.” Dick choked out, panting a little because Jason’s scent was suffocating him, so rich and strong and purely angry. He did his best to enjoy it when the alpha’s hold on his neck suddenly lost its brutality. This was his chance to break out, to switch the position, but something told Dick that would just anger the alpha more. So he laid there, half-ass submissive as his body went slack but his tongue spit out sourly. “It never hurts when I'm with him. Not like with you.”

And that was probably a killer shot, because Jason stumbled back behind, shaking visibly. Dick laughed bitterly as air rushed into his lungs like a tropical flood. He turned and stood up straight to look firmly at the alpha, at the shocked and betrayed look in his eyes as if Dick had dumped an ice bucket on him.

“Don’t worry, I’m just considering it.”

“Considering means there’s a big ass chance that you might say yes.” Jason was fueled by pure rage, Dick had a feeling there could be gray smoke breathing out through his nostrils at any time.

Suddenly, it was his turn to get angry, because after all the things they had done, and all the things they hadn’t had, Jason didn’t have the right to be this aggressive.

“Why does it even bother you? We… we were never something.”

In a mere second, Dick smelled a hint of something strange in Jason’s scent, sour and bitter like bubbling sorrow.

“Were?” He asked, then his shoulders dropped. “You’re gonna say yes.”

This time, this time he said it like a statement. A statement that punched through Dick’s chest, leaving a bleeding hole, making it unbearable because the alpha made it seem like he cared.

“So what? I’m tired, Jay.” Dick tried his best, but the sobs kept coming out like his leaking tape. “I’m so fucking tired. And you don’t need me anymore.”

“Don’t say that. Please don’t say that.” This was the first time Jason begged. “I need you, I always need you.”

“To what? Ease your anger? Distract your wildness? Piss Bruce off? You’ve been great for years, Jason. You don’t kill as much as you used to anymore, and Bruce works it out pretty damn well with you, way better than even me. You have a team now, friends that care for you. You don’t need me, not anymore, and maybe not even before.”

That was the fact that had slowly soaked into him throughout time, that Jason didn’t need him anymore, that this was Dick clinging onto him like a koala, needing him instead of being needed. In the end, it was all down to greed and self-interest, the ugly seeds that grew blooming into flowers to fool this whole world of how much he cared and how sincere he could be. We all use each other, intentional or unintentional, because humans are herding creatures, they can't live alone, can't live without someone to lean on to. Dick was just barely better at hiding it, of how much he needed this, needed the pain Jason brought to him, needed this punishment as a reminder of all his failures, needed to just feel and connect to the boy he had once lost before getting to know. Maybe half of this was all started with guilt and the will to sincerely sacrifice himself to fix what was wrong, but halfway through this Dick had lost the meaning of it all, and started following instinct and what his stupid heart desired.

They said the heart was blind because it didn’t own the eyes, Dick never truly felt the depth of it sink in up until now. 

“Go home, Jason.” He breathed, letting his eyes drop as the last of the air wheezed out of him like it was toxic to his lungs, chest burning and fingers lightly numb. “We can’t do this anymore.”

 Like it was even possible, the anger oozed out from Jason more like liquid asphalt, so dark and thick it threatened to poison Dick.

“Don’t,” He growled, finger pointing at Dick accusingly. “Don’t you fucking dare. You don’t get to end this like this. You don’t get to end this when I…” He stopped and breathed fast, hands fisting and throwing. He spun around on his heels, looking away as a poor attempt to calm his raging mind down.

When he looked back at Dick, his eyes held something that frightened Dick.

“Was it all just pity?” 

“Gosh, Jason. You know me better…”

“I don’t!” Jason shouted, slamming down Dick’s dining table and knocked it flat down to the floor with pure strength and anger. “I don’t fucking know you anymore. You kiss me then you run away, you fight me then you ask for me like I’m your only goddamn choice. You want me to stay but then run away when you find out I’m still next to you when morning comes. You come home smelling different every day, you hide things and lie like it’s your fucking instinct. Don’t ask if I know you better because I fucking don’t. And I fucking can’t.”

No, this was all wrong. Dick hugged himself instinctively and breathed, in and out, in and out. Get it together, get it together. He was trained for this, had prepared for this, and had had experience with this. He needed to think with his mind and not his goddamn adrenaline.

“Our deal… our deal wasn’t−”

“Forget about the fucking deal. Just fucking forget about it, you know it’s always been just an excuse.”

Dick lost his grip on himself. For a moment, he heard nothing more than the words echoed back to him and repeated.

“What…” No, think Grayson. Plan C D E F G, just any plan before this became too much. “You must have been drinking. I’ll come back when you've calmed your mind.”

Dick spun and headed toward the door. He needed air, fresh and unclad with Jason’s presence in it. He didn’t make it three steps though. Strong arms went out and pulled him back, not harsh like Dick had expected them to be, curling around his waist. Broad chest covered his back, warm, hard with powerful muscle, and safe, Dick felt like melting into it, knees weakened and hands trembling.

They both hunched forward, Dick trying to get out of the hold, and Jason leaning down to his shoulder, head nuzzling close to the crook of his neck, hair tickling Dick’s chin.

“Don’t go, please.” The alpha whispered, warm breath tickling Dick’s skin. “Don’t leave me.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

There were nights he dreamt of this, standing in the kitchen as sunlight shone through the window, brightening up the room naturally, he’d hold Dick close to his chest, passing body heat, smelling his scent, breathing in his presence like oxygen. Dick would turn and look at him in the eyes, vivid blue that sparkled when the sun hit them just right, he would look at Jason, analyzing him, drinking in the moment and carving it into his brain to never forget, and after that, only after that, he would smile and kiss him on the nose, then on the cheeks, then onto the lips. They’d stand like that for hours in his dream, never once letting go of each other.

In reality, this, this moment, was the best he could wish for.

“Let go, Jason.” Dick said, voice breathy and trembling lightly. “I'll never leave you, Jason. I won’t ever leave you, so let me go.”

“If I let you go, will you stop running and come back to me?”

Dick remained silent, and that made Jason want to laugh out bitterly.

“Why… why does it matter to you, if Slade claims me or not?”

“For a genius, you’re so fucking stupid.”

Dick twitched when the insult soaked in, Jason figured he was analyzing what he was missing. Funny, how people usually thought Tim was the one doing the thinking. For Tim it was always just work, but with Dick, it was always everything.

“You know, I never thought it would hurt like this.” He laughed, puffing air onto Dick’s neck and feeling the omega shiver.

“What would hurt?” Dick said, trembling. He had a feeling Dick was already guessing out what it was.

“Wanting more.”

 

They just stood like that, silence haunting the room, painting its walls with greyish colors of their twisted feelings. Dick’s fingers curled around his forearms, long and delicate looking, with grace pumping through every littlest movement, cold and shaking like he was numb with the cold of Gotham’s December.

Dick got it. Jason knew Dick had got it. As oblivious as he could be, the omega was quick minded, he could work out a 1000 pieces of a puzzle with a mere 10 seconds look at the full picture. He had figured it out, and now trembling with the thought that this might not be real.

“We won’t work.” Dick wheezed.

“You don’t know that.”

“I do, I tried.” Dick turned back, finally, and looked at Jason with haunting eyes. “So many times, didn’t I?”

Memories were coming back now, stories of Dick’s breakups, of the times the rings were brought out and thrown away, of how the family stopped feeling surprised when Dick stopped trying to look for happiness. Because anyone would have stopped just like him, if they had gone through just half of Dick’s path of finding the right one.

The Boy Wonder never gave up, but sometimes, even the strongest had to tire down, sometimes even the gentlest heart could go numb.

“We’re gonna fuck this up again, I’m gonna fuck this up again, just like I always have. I can’t lose you that way, I can’t lose you again.” Dick’s voice barely made it out of his throat, shaking violently. Jason hugged him tighter, could feel Dick’s tears roll down his face silently like all the pain he had learned to swallow down, could feel himself shaking too.

This was good, as messed up as it looked right now, this all Jason had wished for, had been dying to have. This was Dick being honest, this was Jason being strong and brave enough to reach out for what he yearned. This was them sorting things out instead of blinding each other eyes with temporary lust.

“You won’t fuck this up.” He whispered into Dick’s neck. “I’m too fucked up already, you can’t fuck me up worse anymore.”

Dick turned in his arms despite Jason’s iron grip to face him. His boy moved like liquid gold, smooth and uncontainable.

“You really wanna do this?”

Dick probably didn’t know this, but he had slowly sunk into Jason’s whole, blending into his blood, his bones. Jason would have to tear himself apart to ever let him go.

He kissed Dick’s forehead and tipped down to meet his lips, bringing the scenery he had imagined in his dreams for a thousand times to life. Dick felt nice, sweet and sour and just so perfect with all his scars and flaws, he was all Jason could ask for, was all Jason could ever dream for.

“Always.”

 

For the first time in years, he saw Dick’s smile, for real.    

 

**Author's Note:**

> You can also find me at [here](http://moonfox281.tumblr.com/) . I take prompt and write stupid quotes as well, so if you want to make friend or have something to ask, be my guest. Have a lovely day ;)


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